Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize