Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
