did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize