great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
