So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize