ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
