please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You made out with two different species that night
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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