there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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