every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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