I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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