I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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