Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
