If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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