It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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