Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
