New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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