I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
