Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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