Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
