Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
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