How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
