Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
