My liver just broke up with me...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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