I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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