I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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