Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize