I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
