I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
