I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
