you're like a bully in the Christmas story
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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