I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
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