I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
