One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
