obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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