sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
