....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
