after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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