Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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