I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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