I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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