3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The Olympian is in my bed
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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