i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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