3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
