my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
