tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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