i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
