It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
