The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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