farters have to be the big spoon...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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