he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
