i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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