We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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