Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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