Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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