She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
