My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
