Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
