I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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