I can text with my tongue
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize